When Allyship Comes with Conditions
A Letter to White Women Who Want Credit for Decency
What you are about to read isn’t designed to make you comfortable.
It’s designed to hel you repattern the ways you lead, communicate, and hold pwer.
Read slow, Stay open. Begin again.
CORRECTION - this comment sparked me to write this post after seeing this behavior happen over and over. It was in a LinkedIn thread I came across (which reset before I could capture it) a white woman said something that stuck with me and I am not quoting it from memory to claim it—I’m including it to break it down, deconstruct it, and invite us to reflect.”
Thank you to Maikel Groenewoud for seeing this and offering a screenshot to allow it to be exactly as said.
** I want to clarify: This quote came from a public conversation I viewed on Linkedin. I didn’t create this quote—I adapted it from memory after the thread was lost due to the platform resetting.
“It would be great to see Black people appreciating white people who support them. Spotlight that. Then other white people will feel comfortable supporting Black folks.”
That’s what a white woman said—to her supposed Black friend.
Let’s stop right here.
This is what conditional allyship looks like:
Support that comes with a price tag of public gratitude.
It’s not love. It’s not solidarity.
It’s emotional colonialism.
WHAT IS CONDITIONAL ALLYSHIP?
Conditional allyship is when “support” from someone (often white, often cis, often male, often privileged) is dependent on being:
Praised
Publicly acknowledged
Made comfortable
Made to feel like a “good one”
This is not support.
It’s transactional ego management, and it replicates the same harm it claims to resist.
LET’S BREAK IT DOWN:
White Centering
When conversations about racism somehow turn into conversations about white people’s feelings.
“I just don’t want to be seen as racist.”
“Not all white people...”
“I’ve done a lot of work.”
It’s always “I”—never “What harm did I cause?” or “What can I repair?”
Emotional Colonialism
When white folks demand that Black, Indigenous, and People of Color make them feel okay—about the very systems that brutalize us.
Performative Allyship
Buying books, sharing posts, attending panels—but disappearing when it’s time to:
Confront other white folks
Step back
Share power
Stay when the gratitude stops
THE REALITY:
Black people do not owe white people:
Applause
Safety
Politeness
Comfort
Allyship isn’t a job you apply for.
It’s a practice of accountability that costs you something.
WHAT YOU MIGHT BE FEELING (And Why You Need to Sit With It)
If you’re a white woman reading this and feeling:
Defensive
Embarrassed
“But I didn’t mean it that way...”
“That’s not me!”
Pause. Breathe. Don’t run.
Because whiteness trains you to center your innocence.
But liberation requires you to center the harm, not your intent.
Yes, root yourself, ground yourself, breathe into it in silence.
REFLECTION QUESTIONS (For White Women)
Who am I when I’m not being thanked?
What discomfort have I avoided by making my support “invisible” unless celebrated?
Where have I sought proximity to BIPOC folks to feel morally superior?
How do I react when a BIPOC person names harm I’ve caused?
If no one ever clapped for me, would I still be in the work?
For BIPOC & Multiracial Readers:
Where have you been asked to center white validation?
What relationships have required you to perform gratitude in exchange for “allyship”?
What would it feel like to withdraw your emotional labor?
ENDING:
You can’t dismantle white supremacy if you need to be thanked for every brick.
If you want to be an ally, don’t ask for spotlight.
Be willing to be unseen, unthanked, and still accountable.
That’s when it’s real.
Those of you who were called you, subscribe + share. Or join me inside Rise Together or The DMQ to go from performance to practice.
Why Leadership Revealed is Different
This isn’t just writing on leadership.
It’s not advice, hot takes, or "here’s how to sound better in meetings."
What I offer here is a guided unraveling.
In every piece, I ask you to:
Examine the behaviors you were praised for that actually keep you disconnected
Question the communication styles that create harm even when they sound “professional”
Identify where your leadership is still shaped by performance, protection, or self-abandonment
Learn how to lead from regulation, not reaction—and recognize the cost when you don’t
Because leadership isn’t just a skill.
It’s a system of behaviors rooted in survival patterns, family legacy, and collective conditioning.
And if you’re not examining how you speak, how you move, how you choose, and how you avoid—then you’re not leading. You’re reenacting.
Every post in Leadership Revealed is an invitation to:
Name the invisible harm
Rebuild with integrity
Root into a truth that can actually hold your community—not just your ego
This is where we stop performing clarity
and start practicing truth.
If you’re here to evolve—not just impress—then you’re in the right space.
Throughout my life, I’ve never felt compelled to offer insincere praise just to gain approval. I was raised with the principle of treating others as I wish to be treated—while also understanding a difficult truth: not everyone will like you. Some will resent your intelligence, your skin, your smile, your hair—anything they can use to justify their prejudice. But it is not our responsibility to carry the weight of changing someone else’s conditioning.
My mother used to say, “You don’t have to like me, but you do have to respect me.” If someone requires you to shrink yourself so they can feel comfortable or superior, that is not a friend, ally, or partner in any meaningful sense.
True allyship is about walking alongside those whose growth has been stifled. The Civil Rights Movement exemplified this. Have we fully acknowledged the courage of the Jews, Asians, Indigenous peoples, Latinos, LGBTQIA2S+ individuals, and White allies who marched with Black Americans—knowing the risks, yet recognizing that the cause was greater than themselves?